I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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