I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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