I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
