I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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