You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
