Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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