My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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