I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
