I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
