Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
So squirting runs in the family.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
