there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize