First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
