Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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