Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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