im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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