dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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