Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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