Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
