It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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