my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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