matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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