Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
