You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
