Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
do herpes really smell.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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