guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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