help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
