his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
