I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
