We're facebook friends in real life
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
