The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
