So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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