Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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