My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
