wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My apartment stinks of burning failure
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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