My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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