She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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