You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
