You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
