Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
