John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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