FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
