When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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