It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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