He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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