I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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