chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i dont even know how to be here
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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