hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
