I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We left the knife in your bed.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
