I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
