WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
