We should be called the Road Head Warriors
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
