I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
