I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize