i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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