Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
