I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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