I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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