i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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