he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
