Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize