Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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