Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
