Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
