Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
