my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
did i walk over a car last night?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
