My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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